Battling the Back to School BluesAugust 26th, 2011 7:02am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
What if transition times are more unsettling than others? Not only for children and families with trauma histories, or who are experiencing more stress than usual, but for most children and families. Even if the transition is to a known experience or event, it is a time of more stress. Have you ever been in a school cafeteria at lunch time? In a high school during passing period? Outside any school at the end of the school day? In any school during a fire or tornado drill? Let alone, in any school or classroom at the start of the school year?? What if the question becomes: What would it take for this transition back to school to be as seamless as possible for our children as well as for us? Some ideas: If your child is transitioning from one school (or preschool) to another, plan to take him to visit the new school and classroom before the first day of school. Meet with your child’s teacher, especially if your child has special needs (either academically or socially) regardless of whether she has an IEP or not. Recognize that if your child starts to fall apart emotionally when school begins, he is not doing so to make your life miserable! Chances are he is so stressed out he cannot cope. What if he needs reassurance? What if there are struggles with teachers or peers that he is unable to voice? Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is doing the best he can with what he has in the given moment. Ask questions. (What is this?) And ask more questions. (What else is possible?) And ask more, until things start to shift. (What would it take for this to turn out better than anything I could have planned or imagined?) What if you don’t answer those questions, and instead look to see what shows up. Visit the classroom while school is in session. Come away with a sense of what it would be like to be your child in that classroom and ask what it would take to change anything that isn’t working for your child. Know that the teacher is doing the best she can with what she has. It may not be much, and, it may not be enough for your child. It may not be a good fit. Trust your awareness of the teacher’s capacity and of what your child needs, and, act accordingly! Talk with the teacher. If your child thrives in a classroom where there is flexibility, and, finds herself in a classroom with a rules bound teacher, consider having her switch classrooms. Advocate for your child. Trust your knowing, even if it flies in the face of “conventional wisdom.” Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Ongoing Emotional RegulationAugust 23rd, 2011 1:44pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
On an ongoing basis, practicing breathing and the energetic expansion exercise are ways to maintain a heightened state of calm and ease. Setting aside time each day to practice is a way to ensure that you are in a better space overall, and, during conflicts, are better able to regulate more quickly. From this place, we are less likely to be reactive, and, more likely to be responsive to whatever the situation calls for. There are many breathing techniques. Generally they involve shifting focus from our thoughts to the breath. You can follow the breath in and out of the nose or mouth, or you can follow your stomach rising and falling with each breath. One technique I learned early on is to breathe in/out to a count of four, then start over again with one. Another involves breathing in to a count of 4, holding your breath to a count of 7, then exhaling to a count of 8. My favorite is one which I learned as "circular breathing." This involves a series of four breaths, repeated three times, ending with the first breath, for a total of 13 breaths in a cycle. Here it is:
Finally, other generative questions to ask ourselves on an ongoing basis include: "What question can I ask right here, right now?" "What are the possibilities now and in the future?" "What choice do I have right here, right now?" "What contribution can I be?" Don't be quick to find answers. Instead, notice what shows up! And, keep asking questions! I wish you well in your journey to continue to seek ease and joy and well being within yourselves and your families and your connections with others. Posted in: NoneView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Ask Yourself: What's This About?August 12th, 2011 7:32am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
After recognizing the onset of emotional dysregulation, and after you’ve begun to calm down, you become more aware. It is good to remember that anytime we have a huge reaction to something someone says or does to us, actually it has nothing to do with them, and, everything to do with us. Asking generative questions at this point is a really good idea. What's this about? When else have I felt like this? Who did this to me? It may be that the answers are less relevant than the shift in awareness that the incident was not about the child and was about you. A mother who was working with me recently told me in an enraged tone of voice that her 8 year old adopted daughter "tells lies all the time." When I asked her who lied to her, she said no one did. Later, she shared that she was flooded by memories of her father lying to her constantly. She told me that after that awareness, she stopped having the toxic reaction to her daughter's "lies". Further, she said the lying all but disappeared! A favorite and effective generative question is: "What can I do right here, right now, to improve my relationship with my child?" It may involve not saying anything. It may involve moving back, but not out of eyesight. It may involve not looking at him. It may involve holding him. It may involve talking to him. Certainly, it will involve listening to your child from a space of caring and openness, rather than from a defensive posture. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +In the MomentAugust 5th, 2011 3:11pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
In the moment, the first thing is to breathe. When things are escalating, and you catch it, a deep, gulping, chest expanding breath is a good first start. Remember, oxygenating your brain works wonders! Keep breathing! Unless safety is a consideration and your child(ren) are not within arms' length, it's probably best not to say much, if anything, until your body is calmer. (How effective is it for you when things are out of control and someone is yelling for calm?) This should not take too long. The oxygen should begin to soothe pretty quickly. If things appear to be unsafe, focus simultaneously on saying/doing the minimum to promote safety, and, on calming yourself. As you then notice that you are calming down, you could begin to do regular breathing, which could include counting breaths. You will soon feel able to do something else, to further regulate yourself. Staying or leaving the scene, sitting in a chair or on the bed or the side of the bathtub, or going to lie down on your bed or a couch are favorites of many parents. Rocking in a rocking chair is soothing. Staying in the scene and shifting the energy there is optimal. However, leaving to become more regulated works well too. A favorite way to generate an energetic shift of being is the following: Feel your being in your body; expand your being bigger than your body... bigger than the room... bigger than the house/building... bigger than the town... bigger than the state... bigger than the country... bigger than the world... bigger than the universe... As you sense yourself in that expanded space, you may ask yourself: "What was that problem I was having a while ago?" I have heard from many of you who practice this energetic shift that whatever was bothering you loses significance, and is replaced by a sense of peace and ease. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google + |
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Going back to school for the start of a new year can bring to mind so many thoughts in simultaneity, whether you are a parent or a child, it is easy to lose perspective and feel overwhelmed. For many children, the end of the summer means the end of a playful, easy time filled with days of camp or sleeping in late or hanging out at the pool or being with friends all day long. For others, who perhaps did not have as many of those opportunities, or who love the structure of school, the end of summer can be a bit of a relief. Many children, for whom the start of school is anxiety provoking, are reminded of homework, tests, new teachers, new kids, new principals to name but a few. For all parents, it represents yet another shift in scheduling, priorities, responsibilities. No matter who you are, or what point of view you hold, the advent of a new school year represents change! And, depending on how you and yours do with change, the transition from summer to school year can be more or less challenging!