Well BeingJuly 29th, 2011 8:50am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
First, let's look at the early warning signs of dysregulation in us. These would be the signs that occur before blown gaskets, before screaming and yelling, before slammed doors, before feeling as if you can't go on, before telling yourself how much you dislike everyone and everything involved, before swearing you never signed up for this, before having the awareness that pretty soon you will not be able to stop yourself, and then, actually, not being able to stop yourself. How does your body tell you that you are becoming upset? What does it do? Does it begin to stiffen? Does it feel numb? Does it freeze? Does your stomach start to tighten? Does it turn into a stomach ache? What about your neck and shoulders? What about your back? Do they also tighten? Do you begin to feel as if your body cannot bend? What about your chest? What about your breathing? Does it become shallow? Is it labored? Or do you simply forget to breathe? What about your body posture? Do you lean forward? Do you experience a degree of intensity that begins to take on a life of its own? What about your head? Does it begin to ache? Does your mind go blank? Does it feel as if it is shutting down? What about your eyes? Do they become piercing? Do they take on "the look"? What about your ears? Do you begin to hear a ringing in them? What about your voice? What about your throat? Can you swallow? What about your hands? Do they clench? Do you crack your wrists? For what period of time does your body give you these clues that all is not well, before you become aware? What does it take for you to listen to your body? (More about that later!) Looking back, are you able to see reflections of your state of dysregulation in the responses that the people and creatures in your life have towards you? Do the pets make themselves scarce? Do your children continue to escalate? Do they look frightened? What about your spouse? Coworkers? We could go on! So, what's possible? What are some choices? Over the next few weeks, I’ll be discussing tools to use during the three distinct periods of time relating to emotional regulation. The first is "in the moment" - when you realize that you are about to lose it. The second is soon after, when you have begun to regulate, and, would do better by continuing to regulate. The third is during the rest of your life. What can you do on an ongoing basis to achieve a greater, more pervasive sense of ease and well being? Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +A Word About StompingJuly 22nd, 2011 7:30am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 1 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Giving to Those Unable to ReceiveJuly 15th, 2011 6:58am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
I shared these stories with some friends/colleagues, who suggested that perhaps what was at work was less a conversation of the heart, and, more the presence of "mirroring neurons," as described by Dr. Siegel, in his book Mindsight. Mirroring neurons are those that cause us, for example, to yawn when someone else yawns, or invite the baby to wiggle in eagerness when we smile and coo at her, or in this case, permit us, when we are dysregulated, to become regulated when we are in the presence of someone who is regulated. Certainly, being in a state of emotional regulation is a necessary ingredient for having a successful conversation of the heart. It makes sense to me that mirroring neurons are at work during these times. However, in the cases of Taylor and my Mom, Debby and I had been regulated when we had talked with them before, and, the results were nowhere near as effective as when we were regulated, and were speaking to their hearts... to alleviate their fears and to reduce their distress. Not every child (or adult) is able to hear every conversation of the heart. In fact, there are times where any attempt to communicate with someone who is profoundly dysregulated will simply result in greater escalation. Additionally, a dysregulated adult is also unable to give a conversation of the heart at that moment either. In those cases, it is wise to back off until the child is calming down, until you are able to give, and until the child is able to receive/hear the conversation. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +TaylorJuly 8th, 2011 6:48am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Taylor, now five and a half years old, lives with her paternal aunt and uncle, Debby and Jerry and their three children. She has lived with them since the age of 20 months. Taylor was born to an emotionally volatile and violent, crack-addicted mother, Christina, and an alcoholic father, Mike. Christina and Mike's relationship was fraught with physical violence, as well as lots of screaming, yelling and crying. Debby provided day care for Taylor since Taylor's birth. Debby reports being heartsick every time Christina and Mike came to take Taylor home with them. She says she was afraid that if she pushed them too hard to be better parents, Christina and Mike would stop bringing Taylor back. Debby knew that she and Jerry were Taylor's safe haven. Taylor was placed with Debby and Jerry after Debby called the police to report Christina's crack use. I encourage you to try these conversations of the heart with your children, parents, spouses. I would love to hear about your experiences. Posted in: Personal ExperiencesView / Add Comment | 1 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Conversations of the HeartJuly 1st, 2011 1:58pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
My mother lived with my husband and me for the last two years of her life. She had profound dementia, which among other things, caused her short term, and later remote, memories to become extinguished. For the most part, she was happy, easy and eager to please, loving, transparent, at one with her universe. However, there were times when she was terribly confused and upset. These usually had to do with worries about still being alive. Her thoughts caused her mild agitation, and, she would say to me things like: "I don't know why I'm still alive... I have no purpose... I shouldn't be here any longer... I am a burden to you." These conversations of the heart work equally well with children who have experienced significant stress, and, who appear to have lost their right minds. I have shared this idea with numerous parents who report that these conversations work well with very young children, as well as children of all ages, who are beginning to deescalate from an emotional outburst. Next time you are faced with another’s outburst, I encourage you to try bypassing the reasoning and persuading and, instead, speak directly to the heart. I would love to hear how it goes! Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google + |
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Bryan Post says over and over again: "It is not possible for a child who is dysregulated to become regulated in the presence of an adult who is not." How true! Why would we prefer to be emotionally regulated, to experience emotional well being? What's the payoff? Again, when we are dysregulated, we are living in our heads -- stuck in the past or perseverating about the future. What would it take to be in the present, to be attuned and aware, to live with ease and joy?
How often have we felt disrespected as the child we were talking to turned tail and stomped off? How about this thought? Perhaps he was regulating himself, with the left, right, left, right movement. Stomping off may seem disrespectful, but it does promote bilateral stimulation. Instead of saying: "Don't you walk away like that when I am talking to you," could we say instead: "I'm glad you are stomping. Stomp as hard as you want. Stomping is good. I love you. When you feel better, do you want to come and sit next to me?" Of course, this presupposes that the adult is in a state of emotional regulation! In all likelihood, after becoming regulated again, he will no longer be disrespectful.
I have been considering the question: Is it possible to give to someone who is unwilling or unable to receive?
I met with Taylor and Debby weekly, for a year or so, in family centered play therapy sessions. Taylor played hard, including both Debby and me in her play. Typically, Debby was herself - the good Mom - and I represented Christina - the mean Mom. Over and over, Taylor played out what her early experiences with her parents had been like: frightening, demeaning, terrifying, soul destroying. Over time, she was able to modify her early experiences to experiences she wished she had had, and in fact was having with Debby. She became able to soothe herself in the sessions, with minimal assistance from Debby. Although the themes in play remained the same, the intensity of emotion diminished.
Touching Hearts is a beautiful physical reflection of a conversation of the heart. A hospice chaplain once explained to me that conversations of the heart are conversations that bypass the left (logical, reasoning) side of the brain, and, "go right to the heart." He said that these conversations are aimed at soothing a person, rather than convincing them cognitively of a particular point of view.