Touching HeartsJune 24th, 2011 4:26pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Posted in: NoneView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Peaceful, Happy, and Carefree!June 18th, 2011 10:44am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
I led an awesome bars class last weekend!! The participants reported feeling "lighter", having more ease, being more space! They were amazed when they looked in the mirror, and, saw their reflections! Thanks so much to each participant for the peaceful, happy, and carefree day. I'm planning on keeping these workshops going on the second Saturday of each month. I just love these workshops each month, and, I love to hear the wonderful stories from participants who brought these techniques home to their families and friends. For example, “Mom! I’m so happy! If you want me to be this happy every day, you need to run my bars every night.” This comment was from an eight year old the morning after she got her bars run for the first time by her mom. How does it get any better than that? Posted in: NoneView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Come Play!June 10th, 2011 4:19pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
I am looking forward to tomorrow’s Bars workshop and sharing a tool that I have found to be so beneficial with people of all ages. However, I am even more excited to see the amazing transformations to come in the lives of the participants and their families. As a play therapist and family therapist for 20 years, I have worked with children who have experienced trauma in their lives and who struggle with what are known as “bad behaviors” and “difficult behaviors” and “scary behaviors.” After the first Bars and Foundation classes I took, I realized that Access tools and processes could be so beneficial to kids and families, as a complement to the more traditional family therapy, play therapy, and individual therapy services I provide. Parents who attend then run their children’s bars at home. Both parents and children report changes. Parents report increased awareness about their children, and, a lessening of the panic and despair they were experiencing before over what to do to help their child. Children who were struggling in a variety of areas now experience a lessening or elimination of symptoms. For example, since getting their bars run relatively regularly by their parents, kids tend to sleep through the night; they have more fun with their peers and have more play dates; they have less anxiety and fewer worries and less depression; they are doing better in school; they get in less trouble; they become more articulate; they are more outgoing; they are calmer; families are functioning with more ease and peace. How does it get any better than that? Access has changed the way I view the world and has added so much to my life! Would you like to know more about what is possible for you and your family? What would you be willing to receive? How much fun can you have? How much change can you be? It’s not too late to join me on Saturday: just register over on our services page. Come play! Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +A Love Based Approach to My Own OutburstJune 2nd, 2011 9:22pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell
The weekend before she died, she was having difficulty breathing. Apparently, she had fluid in her throat. She had not spoken a word since that Wednesday nor had she moved by herself. It was clear that she was dying, and, I wanted to do everything I could to make her passing as peaceful as possible. We had had hospice services for her for a year and a half, and, overall the hospice staff was amazing. That week, her primary nurse (who was an angel), as well as several on call nurses had visited on a daily basis, sometimes more than once, to help us provide her with the care she needed to be as comfortable as possible. My step father (of 30 years) had died two years before. I was there when he died, and, he had struggled with fluids that had impaired his ability to breathe. I had felt so helpless and did not want my Mom to go that way. Friday night, an amazing on call nurse had watched over my Mom for 6 hours, while I slept for the first time in what seemed like ages. The nurse was able to clear out her breathing passage with a suction machine that had a hose attached to it, and my Mom was finally peaceful. As Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, my Mom began to struggle with fluid in her breathing passage again. Neither my sister nor I felt comfortable with the suction machine, as the nozzle seemed so sharp and stiff, and, we did not want to hurt her throat. I went upstairs to call the on call nurse, to ask her to come to the house and clean out my Mom's breathing passage. After I made my request, the nurse did not respond to me directly. Instead, she said: "Well, I can see that you have had nurses all week long at your house helping you with your Mom... In fact, there was a nurse that came out earlier today, wasn't there?" I began to cry, furious at her lack of understanding and at my inability to keep myself pulled together. Instead of responding to the tears, she said: "I do not think it is necessary that I come out at this time. I notice that you have a suction machine. You are perfectly capable to operating it yourself. In fact, it surprises me that you were able to talk the supply company into leaving it at your home. That is highly unusual." I quickly moved onto the back porch, as I did not want my Mom to experience my anger. It was freezing cold that night, with fresh snow on the ground. It had been snowing intermittently throughout the day, and it was one of those nights where sounds of the city were muffled by the snow, and in fact you could hear a pin drop. We have a shed in the back yard, and, my husband was there, seeking refuge from some of the intensity of the week. I started screaming at the nurse, demanding that she come out, asking to speak to her supervisor, etc. As I raged on, I knew on some level I was not in my right mind, but I could not stop myself at that point. When I slowed down, she said: "You need to be more grateful for the help you have already been given." I exploded again, sobbing and yelling. She responded by saying: "You need to be more respectful. I resent your tone." I stopped and said: "I don't want my Mom to die like this." She did not respond. I couldn't think of what else to say or do, so I hung up the phone. I went to my Mom's room, and, my sister had found the correct position for her to be in to keep her airway open, and, she was breathing more evenly. I called the nurse back, and, apologized profusely for my screaming. I told her my Mom was comfortable. I said that we would not need her help. I was back in my right mind again, and, was embarrassed by my behavior. My husband came into the house. He looked at me, put his arms around me, and as he held me said: "I'm sorry this is so hard and I love you." He got it. I felt heard and understood, and, able to move on. Emotionally, I experienced the power of this paradigm that night. In dealing with my shame at having behaved the way I did, I was able to see the truth about myself, and, about our children when they become as stressed out as I had been. I had been afraid (that my Mom's death would be difficult for her), and, it was that fear that had exacerbated the stress I was already experiencing and had driven my loss of control. Once the fear was soothed, I was able to return to a state of emotional regulation, from which I could function again. Emotionally, I experienced what our children experience when they lose it. I could see that I had not intended to lose control as I had, any more than our children do. It had not been my intention to be rude, disrespectful or ungrateful. I am willing to give children the benefit of the doubt, and, believe that they are not simply trying to be difficult or argumentative or oppositional. What about the idea that they, like me, are simply at the end of their rope, and, in an effort to be heard, behave the way I did? I experienced firsthand what it felt like to be a child in despair again, unable to stop, embarrassed, needing someone to soothe me. I have shared this story with many of you in my office and in groups, as it seems to hit home. Many of you have told me you can relate to my situation that night. You are as horrified at the nurse's inability to connect with me as I was. I share this in the hope that it will make it easier for you to view your child's outbursts from this love based model, as opposed to the more traditional fear based model. Posted in: Personal ExperiencesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google + |
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A Mom I worked told me of a wonderful example of using a love based approach with her daughter. She travels as part of her job and before leaving town, she and her daughter touch each others' hearts with their hands, then press their hearts together. She tells her daughter that even though they will be separated by distance, their hearts will touch forever. She reports that her daughter is able to tolerate her travel more easily, and, that when they talk at night, they describe feeling each other's hearts and the warmth that comes from that. A variation might be to add that they are inside each other's heart. This approach took a situation, frequent traveling, that could have been scary and lonely for the daughter and shifted it into an experience that allowed her to feel heard, understood and safe, even in her mother’s absence.
The following anecdote about my Mom describes the emotional shift that occurred for me with regards to this love based approach. It happened at a time when I was facilitating multifamily groups based on this model.