I Decided to Make Choices for MeNovember 26th, 2011 7:37am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
"It was cold outside; I remember that. My mom was going to an Access energy workshop like she did all the time. She asked me if I wanted to go. She said it was weird, but I might like it.
Normally I would have said, 'I don’t want to go hang out with you somewhere where there is a bunch of old people. It’s my winter break. No.' But something made me say, 'Yes.'
I went, and I was like, 'What is all this stuff? It’s weird.' But I felt so good afterwards. I felt so light and no one was judging me. The adults talked to me like I was a real person, which was a shock. I was like, 'I want to do this over and over and over again.'
I had been really depressed. I wanted to make changes in my like but I didn’t know how. I kept choosing things that made life harder for me.
Once I started going to Access workshops, I stopped being so depressed, and I started making different choices. 'You know what? I don’t want to go smoke and drink with these people. I don’t want to hang out with these people anymore.' Within a couple weeks, I had completely changed all of my friends. I stopped doing all of the things that were bad for my body and me. I decided to make choices for me instead of choosing what everyone else was telling me I should choose." Would you like to learn more? Click here to check out my upcoming Bars workshop, scheduled for December 11th from 10am – 6pm. Posted in: Access Consciousness, Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Creating Joyful ConnectionsNovember 20th, 2011 4:51pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
In his book Mindsight, Daniel Siegel states: “Research has revealed that the best predictor of the security of our children’s attachment to us is our ability to narrate the story of our own childhood in a coherent fashion.” (p. 74) Before looking at ways to build bonds with our babies and kids, it’s important for us to have this sense of who we are, in all aspects of ourselves. Not from a fault finding perspective, not from a judgmental perspective, but from awareness and recognition. Take care of yourself! If you don’t, how will your child know how to take care of herself? The following is a list of ways to build bonds with our babies and children: ~ Acknowledge your baby/child! By this, I mean see him, not what he does, but who he is. Be grateful that he is in your life. Thank him for being who he is. Let him know that he is just fine the way he is – the good, the bad and the ugly. You may not always like his behaviors, but reassure him that who he is, is just fine. Ask him: “How did I get so lucky to have you as my son?” You can do this with babies as well. They will get it energetically, even if they cannot yet speak. ~ Be attuned to your baby/child. Learn her non-verbal cues. Is her cry a tired cry, a hungry cry, a wet diaper cry, a frightened cry, an over stimulated cry? When you pick her up at day care or come home, notice in what space she is and meet her there. Don’t demand that she meet you in yours. If behavior is a form of communication, and she is “acting out”, ask yourself: “What is this? What is she telling me? What did I miss?” ~ Give both you and your child the benefit of the doubt! Assume that he is doing the best he can with what is available to him in the moment! If he is 5 years old and throwing a 2 year old tantrum, know that he is functioning emotionally as if he were 2. Know that in that moment, he cannot meet expectations appropriate for a 5 year old. Treat him emotionally as if he were 2! And, No! It is not rewarding bad behavior! What if it is giving him exactly what he needs in order to soothe himself, and, to move back up the developmental scale – back to 5 years old? ~ Make sure that every day (this includes in the morning, after work/school and before bed,) you spend time with him – 10 to 20 minutes each time will do. This means time when you give him your undivided attention. Don’t think about work, dinner, weekend plans, laundry! Instead, pay attention to him. Let him lead. Play if he wants to play; read if he wants to read; cuddle if he wants to cuddle. Don’t force yourself on him. Just be present with him! It works wonders!! It is well worth the time! Chances are pretty good that this will fill him up emotionally, which will leave you free to do whatever else you need to do. If you can’t do 10 minutes, try 5! ~ Ask questions of yourself, and don’t answer them. See what comes up. You’ll be amazed at the awareness you can have, simply by asking. For example: What can I do right here right now to improve my relationship with my child? What energy could I be that would allow my daughter to know who she truly is? What does my child know that I am unwilling to know? What if I treated my child the way I should have been treated, rather than the way I was treated? What would that look like? How can I create more ease here? What would it take for this to be easier and more fun? ~ In the morning, get yourself up, dressed and ready to go, before waking up your children. You will find you have more space, more patience, more ease, more energy, than if you are all competing for the bathroom, breakfast, etc. Especially if you do not spend your days together Monday through Friday, having “quality” time in the mornings will benefit all of you. “Quality” time means time that is expansive, easy, peaceful, loving, when you are attuned and present. Remember, if you are rushed, irritable, tired, cranky – they will respond accordingly! ~ When you get upset, when you say things to them that you regret, or do things you wish you hadn’t, apologize to them! Mean it! One way to get there is to ask yourself: “If this were the last 10 seconds of my life, how would I want to be?” Probably not yelling or angry or blaming! It gives you the chance to choose a different way to be with them. ~ Learn the language of play. Most children love to play. Since young children’s verbal and cognitive skills do not allow them to express themselves the way we do, play is the way they communicate thoughts and feelings. For young children, toys are words and play is language. Enjoy the play! Enjoy your child! Have fun! Be silly! Laugh! ~ When you play with your child, let her set the rules. Do what she tells you. Let her lead. Pay attention to your experience as you follow her rules and do as she tells you. The way you feel in the play today is probably the same way she feels. If you reflect this feeling back to her, she will know that you “get it.” ~ Plan fun times together! Look forward to them!! Don’t be serious all the time! Lighten up! Be flexible when it makes sense! Don’t blame yourself! Breathe!! Breathe some more!! Posted in: Parenting Techniques, Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Would an infinite being truly choose this?October 28th, 2011 12:29pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Home play: Anytime you are upset or out of sorts or frustrated or… ask: “Would an infinite being truly choose this?” If what you get is “No,” then ask yourself: “Then for what reason would I?” See if anything shifts in your world! Do you make different choices? Also, when your child is wanting something from you or wanting to give you information and you don’t know in the moment what to do, ask: “Hey, what do you need here?” Trust that you will have an awareness of what that is. When you do, you can use the clearing statement (for more information on the clearing statement - click here): Everything that doesn’t allow her to have total ease with ….. (what ever her struggle is), can we destroy and uncreate it all times a godzillion please? Right, wrong, good, bad, all 9, POD, POC, shorts, boys and beyonds. (Godzillion is a number SO big that only God knows how big!) Posted in: Tools and Techniques, Access ConsciousnessView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Becoming a Walking QuestionOctober 14th, 2011 4:54pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
________________________________________________________ Conscious Parents Ask Questions by Glenna Rice "Conscious and aware kids create ease and joy for their parents, and conscious, aware parents create ease and joy for their children. The more awareness you, as a parent, can facilitate in a family, the more joy and ease everyone receives. The more access tools my children learn, the easier it becomes to create my life. And a parent wouldn’t want more ease for what reason? How do you create more ease as a parent? You ask questions. You become a walking question. You ask your children things like, “Is there something else you could choose?” “What else is possible?” “Is there another way you could be with this?” “Hey kids, this doesn’t work for me. What else is possible?” Once you start asking, you – and your children – begin to receive information and difficult situations begin to change.
Children are brilliant. They want to make us happy and they have so much awareness and knowing to gift us. Everything can change when we stop parenting from limitation and begin to ask kids what they know that we don’t know, that if we did, would change our lives and create an extraordinary family. You start to have more allowance for your children, for your skills as a parent and for yourself. Things that were significant and troubling start to barely faze you. One of the many great questions I have been asked is, “What if having children is part of creating an extraordinary life?” It has become one of the many questions I use to create my family and my life." ________________________________________________________ How does it get any better than that? If you'd like to learn more about these tools and processes and applying them to create more ease and joy in your life, consider joining me at my upcoming teleclass: 10 Keys to Joyful Parenting. If you are wondering whether or not to take the 10 week teleclass, there is a tool we talked about on the introductory call that you could use. It is: the truth will make you feel lighter. You could ask yourself: If I take this teleclass, will it expand my life? Then, see what your body tells you. If you feel lighter, chances are it will!! Click here for more information on the 10 Keys to Joyful Parenting or to register. Posted in: Tools and Techniques, Access ConsciousnessView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Balloon BreathsSeptember 2nd, 2011 7:21am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Battling the Back to School BluesAugust 26th, 2011 7:02am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
What if transition times are more unsettling than others? Not only for children and families with trauma histories, or who are experiencing more stress than usual, but for most children and families. Even if the transition is to a known experience or event, it is a time of more stress. Have you ever been in a school cafeteria at lunch time? In a high school during passing period? Outside any school at the end of the school day? In any school during a fire or tornado drill? Let alone, in any school or classroom at the start of the school year?? What if the question becomes: What would it take for this transition back to school to be as seamless as possible for our children as well as for us? Some ideas: If your child is transitioning from one school (or preschool) to another, plan to take him to visit the new school and classroom before the first day of school. Meet with your child’s teacher, especially if your child has special needs (either academically or socially) regardless of whether she has an IEP or not. Recognize that if your child starts to fall apart emotionally when school begins, he is not doing so to make your life miserable! Chances are he is so stressed out he cannot cope. What if he needs reassurance? What if there are struggles with teachers or peers that he is unable to voice? Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is doing the best he can with what he has in the given moment. Ask questions. (What is this?) And ask more questions. (What else is possible?) And ask more, until things start to shift. (What would it take for this to turn out better than anything I could have planned or imagined?) What if you don’t answer those questions, and instead look to see what shows up. Visit the classroom while school is in session. Come away with a sense of what it would be like to be your child in that classroom and ask what it would take to change anything that isn’t working for your child. Know that the teacher is doing the best she can with what she has. It may not be much, and, it may not be enough for your child. It may not be a good fit. Trust your awareness of the teacher’s capacity and of what your child needs, and, act accordingly! Talk with the teacher. If your child thrives in a classroom where there is flexibility, and, finds herself in a classroom with a rules bound teacher, consider having her switch classrooms. Advocate for your child. Trust your knowing, even if it flies in the face of “conventional wisdom.” Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Ask Yourself: What's This About?August 12th, 2011 7:32am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
After recognizing the onset of emotional dysregulation, and after you’ve begun to calm down, you become more aware. It is good to remember that anytime we have a huge reaction to something someone says or does to us, actually it has nothing to do with them, and, everything to do with us. Asking generative questions at this point is a really good idea. What's this about? When else have I felt like this? Who did this to me? It may be that the answers are less relevant than the shift in awareness that the incident was not about the child and was about you. A mother who was working with me recently told me in an enraged tone of voice that her 8 year old adopted daughter "tells lies all the time." When I asked her who lied to her, she said no one did. Later, she shared that she was flooded by memories of her father lying to her constantly. She told me that after that awareness, she stopped having the toxic reaction to her daughter's "lies". Further, she said the lying all but disappeared! A favorite and effective generative question is: "What can I do right here, right now, to improve my relationship with my child?" It may involve not saying anything. It may involve moving back, but not out of eyesight. It may involve not looking at him. It may involve holding him. It may involve talking to him. Certainly, it will involve listening to your child from a space of caring and openness, rather than from a defensive posture. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +In the MomentAugust 5th, 2011 3:11pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
In the moment, the first thing is to breathe. When things are escalating, and you catch it, a deep, gulping, chest expanding breath is a good first start. Remember, oxygenating your brain works wonders! Keep breathing! Unless safety is a consideration and your child(ren) are not within arms' length, it's probably best not to say much, if anything, until your body is calmer. (How effective is it for you when things are out of control and someone is yelling for calm?) This should not take too long. The oxygen should begin to soothe pretty quickly. If things appear to be unsafe, focus simultaneously on saying/doing the minimum to promote safety, and, on calming yourself. As you then notice that you are calming down, you could begin to do regular breathing, which could include counting breaths. You will soon feel able to do something else, to further regulate yourself. Staying or leaving the scene, sitting in a chair or on the bed or the side of the bathtub, or going to lie down on your bed or a couch are favorites of many parents. Rocking in a rocking chair is soothing. Staying in the scene and shifting the energy there is optimal. However, leaving to become more regulated works well too. A favorite way to generate an energetic shift of being is the following: Feel your being in your body; expand your being bigger than your body... bigger than the room... bigger than the house/building... bigger than the town... bigger than the state... bigger than the country... bigger than the world... bigger than the universe... As you sense yourself in that expanded space, you may ask yourself: "What was that problem I was having a while ago?" I have heard from many of you who practice this energetic shift that whatever was bothering you loses significance, and is replaced by a sense of peace and ease. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Well BeingJuly 29th, 2011 8:50am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
First, let's look at the early warning signs of dysregulation in us. These would be the signs that occur before blown gaskets, before screaming and yelling, before slammed doors, before feeling as if you can't go on, before telling yourself how much you dislike everyone and everything involved, before swearing you never signed up for this, before having the awareness that pretty soon you will not be able to stop yourself, and then, actually, not being able to stop yourself. How does your body tell you that you are becoming upset? What does it do? Does it begin to stiffen? Does it feel numb? Does it freeze? Does your stomach start to tighten? Does it turn into a stomach ache? What about your neck and shoulders? What about your back? Do they also tighten? Do you begin to feel as if your body cannot bend? What about your chest? What about your breathing? Does it become shallow? Is it labored? Or do you simply forget to breathe? What about your body posture? Do you lean forward? Do you experience a degree of intensity that begins to take on a life of its own? What about your head? Does it begin to ache? Does your mind go blank? Does it feel as if it is shutting down? What about your eyes? Do they become piercing? Do they take on "the look"? What about your ears? Do you begin to hear a ringing in them? What about your voice? What about your throat? Can you swallow? What about your hands? Do they clench? Do you crack your wrists? For what period of time does your body give you these clues that all is not well, before you become aware? What does it take for you to listen to your body? (More about that later!) Looking back, are you able to see reflections of your state of dysregulation in the responses that the people and creatures in your life have towards you? Do the pets make themselves scarce? Do your children continue to escalate? Do they look frightened? What about your spouse? Coworkers? We could go on! So, what's possible? What are some choices? Over the next few weeks, I’ll be discussing tools to use during the three distinct periods of time relating to emotional regulation. The first is "in the moment" - when you realize that you are about to lose it. The second is soon after, when you have begun to regulate, and, would do better by continuing to regulate. The third is during the rest of your life. What can you do on an ongoing basis to achieve a greater, more pervasive sense of ease and well being? Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +A Word About StompingJuly 22nd, 2011 7:30am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 1 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Giving to Those Unable to ReceiveJuly 15th, 2011 6:58am - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
I shared these stories with some friends/colleagues, who suggested that perhaps what was at work was less a conversation of the heart, and, more the presence of "mirroring neurons," as described by Dr. Siegel, in his book Mindsight. Mirroring neurons are those that cause us, for example, to yawn when someone else yawns, or invite the baby to wiggle in eagerness when we smile and coo at her, or in this case, permit us, when we are dysregulated, to become regulated when we are in the presence of someone who is regulated. Certainly, being in a state of emotional regulation is a necessary ingredient for having a successful conversation of the heart. It makes sense to me that mirroring neurons are at work during these times. However, in the cases of Taylor and my Mom, Debby and I had been regulated when we had talked with them before, and, the results were nowhere near as effective as when we were regulated, and were speaking to their hearts... to alleviate their fears and to reduce their distress. Not every child (or adult) is able to hear every conversation of the heart. In fact, there are times where any attempt to communicate with someone who is profoundly dysregulated will simply result in greater escalation. Additionally, a dysregulated adult is also unable to give a conversation of the heart at that moment either. In those cases, it is wise to back off until the child is calming down, until you are able to give, and until the child is able to receive/hear the conversation. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Conversations of the HeartJuly 1st, 2011 1:58pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
My mother lived with my husband and me for the last two years of her life. She had profound dementia, which among other things, caused her short term, and later remote, memories to become extinguished. For the most part, she was happy, easy and eager to please, loving, transparent, at one with her universe. However, there were times when she was terribly confused and upset. These usually had to do with worries about still being alive. Her thoughts caused her mild agitation, and, she would say to me things like: "I don't know why I'm still alive... I have no purpose... I shouldn't be here any longer... I am a burden to you." These conversations of the heart work equally well with children who have experienced significant stress, and, who appear to have lost their right minds. I have shared this idea with numerous parents who report that these conversations work well with very young children, as well as children of all ages, who are beginning to deescalate from an emotional outburst. Next time you are faced with another’s outburst, I encourage you to try bypassing the reasoning and persuading and, instead, speak directly to the heart. I would love to hear how it goes! Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Come Play!June 10th, 2011 4:19pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
I am looking forward to tomorrow’s Bars workshop and sharing a tool that I have found to be so beneficial with people of all ages. However, I am even more excited to see the amazing transformations to come in the lives of the participants and their families. As a play therapist and family therapist for 20 years, I have worked with children who have experienced trauma in their lives and who struggle with what are known as “bad behaviors” and “difficult behaviors” and “scary behaviors.” After the first Bars and Foundation classes I took, I realized that Access tools and processes could be so beneficial to kids and families, as a complement to the more traditional family therapy, play therapy, and individual therapy services I provide. Parents who attend then run their children’s bars at home. Both parents and children report changes. Parents report increased awareness about their children, and, a lessening of the panic and despair they were experiencing before over what to do to help their child. Children who were struggling in a variety of areas now experience a lessening or elimination of symptoms. For example, since getting their bars run relatively regularly by their parents, kids tend to sleep through the night; they have more fun with their peers and have more play dates; they have less anxiety and fewer worries and less depression; they are doing better in school; they get in less trouble; they become more articulate; they are more outgoing; they are calmer; families are functioning with more ease and peace. How does it get any better than that? Access has changed the way I view the world and has added so much to my life! Would you like to know more about what is possible for you and your family? What would you be willing to receive? How much fun can you have? How much change can you be? It’s not too late to join me on Saturday: just register over on our services page. Come play! Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +Is your family surviving or thriving?May 27th, 2011 12:26pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S
Having been raised in the more traditional, behavior based paradigm, I could see how this new love based approach might be more effective. I could think of times growing up when I was punished, when what I really needed was someone to connect with me emotionally. I could understand that stress causes confused and distorted thinking and inhibits short term memory. I could understand intellectually that an angry child is a scared child. I could agree with the notion that there are two primary emotions, love and fear, and that the energy of love is thriving and the energy of fear is survival. I view behavior as a form of communication. Anytime I hear of a child "acting out", my first question is: "What's this about? What is he saying?" One of the beliefs near and dear to my heart is that people do the best they can with what they've got. In my experience, both personal and professional, anytime a child is throwing a fit, it is because he can't do anything else in the moment. In other words, that's the best he can do. If he could do better, he would, but right now he can't. Even though at times it may seem as if the behaviors are purposeful, the question remains the same: "What's going on? What is happening that is causing this behavior to be the best he can do with what he has? Why are his choices so limited right here right now?" From my perspective, it takes considerable effort to throw a fit. What's being missed? What is not being heard? What is not understood? Again, in my experience, once children feel heard and understood, once they know that the adults around them "get it", they are able to reach for and achieve a state of emotional regulation. And, it is at this point that that their "acting out" behaviors begin to dissipate, and to cease. The next time your child begins to lose it, ask yourself these questions: "What's really going on here? What's this about? What is causing him to have such limited capacity to do well? What can I do right here right now to improve our relationship?" Don't justify yourself. Don't explain yourself. Don't try to fix him. Don't threaten him with consequences. (The life lessons can happen later, when things have calmed down.) Don't worry about his future... or yours. Stay in the present. Be nurturing - to him and to you. Breathe. Breathe some more. Feel the energy shift and be grateful for that.
Let me know what happens. Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 1 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +How much fun could your life be?May 25th, 2011 1:23pm - Posted By: Anne Maxwell
Welcome! It has been one year since I opened my doors at the Child and Family Play Therapy Center and what an amazing year it has been! Now, we are growing and expanding and continually exploring new ways to support children and families. One way in which we hope to provide that support is by becoming more available online. Do you ever wonder what’s going with your children? What are they saying? How are they being? What if they speak to us in so many more ways than we hear? What is this thing called play? Check back in here as we explore all of that and more. Join us for continued discussions on parenting tools, resources, activities and stories of the challenges and successes of other families. Let’s learn some simple tools to speak their language - the language of play - and watch your family grow in joy.
How much fun could your life be? Posted in: Tools and TechniquesView / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google + |
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Access tools and processes are so beneficial to kids and families. Conscious Parents Conscious Kids shares some of their stories. Read on for the experience of 15 year old, Claire:
Parents would like to create loving, caring, joyful connections with their children - connections that last. When we become parents, we bring with us issues from our past that affect our ability to parent. The following tips on how to build bonds with babies and kids presuppose that as parents, we are willing to look within ourselves to gain an understanding of who we are and the experiences that helped form our present state of being. How were we parented? What kind of bond existed between us and our parents? Which traits of our parents have we taken on, either intentionally or unconsciously? Were we given permission to be who we are, or were we expected to become someone else, in order to validate our parents’ points of view? Were we heard? Did we have permission to speak? Did we strive to be like our parents, or did we swear we would never ever do/say the things they did/said? 
I wanted to pass on some home play activities from last Monday's 
For those of you who may not know, Access Consciousness™ was founded by Gary Douglas over 20 years ago. Access Consciousness™ is weird, wacky and unlike anything I have ever come across! It is not a structured organization. It can provide you with practical tools and processes to use to bring you to an awareness that you can function in your life with ease and joy, no matter what occurs. Specifically, no matter what happens at home, no matter what your child says or does or does not say or do, you can apply any one or more these tools and processes Here's an amazing excerpt from Conscious Parents Conscious Kids to illustrate Access.
Breathing exercises as a tool for calming and regulation are very helpful with children as well. One of the most effective ways of becoming regulated and maintaining a state of regulation is to breathe...often and deeply. In her book The Floppy Sleep Game Book, Patti Teel describes exercises for helping your child learn how to regulate herself through breathing. One is called the belly breath. The directions are simple. Have your child lie on her back. Have her put her hands on her belly, and, feel the rise and fall of her belly, taking deep, slow breaths. A variation to the belly breath is the balloon breath. Have her imagine that she has a balloon in her belly. Ask her the color of the balloon. Have her experience the balloon growing larger, then smaller, with each breath in, then out.
Going back to school for the start of a new year can bring to mind so many thoughts in simultaneity, whether you are a parent or a child, it is easy to lose perspective and feel overwhelmed. For many children, the end of the summer means the end of a playful, easy time filled with days of camp or sleeping in late or hanging out at the pool or being with friends all day long. For others, who perhaps did not have as many of those opportunities, or who love the structure of school, the end of summer can be a bit of a relief. Many children, for whom the start of school is anxiety provoking, are reminded of homework, tests, new teachers, new kids, new principals to name but a few. For all parents, it represents yet another shift in scheduling, priorities, responsibilities. No matter who you are, or what point of view you hold, the advent of a new school year represents change! And, depending on how you and yours do with change, the transition from summer to school year can be more or less challenging!
Bryan Post says over and over again: "It is not possible for a child who is dysregulated to become regulated in the presence of an adult who is not." How true! Why would we prefer to be emotionally regulated, to experience emotional well being? What's the payoff? Again, when we are dysregulated, we are living in our heads -- stuck in the past or perseverating about the future. What would it take to be in the present, to be attuned and aware, to live with ease and joy?
How often have we felt disrespected as the child we were talking to turned tail and stomped off? How about this thought? Perhaps he was regulating himself, with the left, right, left, right movement. Stomping off may seem disrespectful, but it does promote bilateral stimulation. Instead of saying: "Don't you walk away like that when I am talking to you," could we say instead: "I'm glad you are stomping. Stomp as hard as you want. Stomping is good. I love you. When you feel better, do you want to come and sit next to me?" Of course, this presupposes that the adult is in a state of emotional regulation! In all likelihood, after becoming regulated again, he will no longer be disrespectful.
I have been considering the question: Is it possible to give to someone who is unwilling or unable to receive?
Touching Hearts is a beautiful physical reflection of a conversation of the heart. A hospice chaplain once explained to me that conversations of the heart are conversations that bypass the left (logical, reasoning) side of the brain, and, "go right to the heart." He said that these conversations are aimed at soothing a person, rather than convincing them cognitively of a particular point of view.
I have encouraged the shift toward a love based (as opposed to the more traditional fear based) approach to parenting. This approach is discussed in two books: Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control, by Bryan Post and Heather Forbes, and, The Great Behavior Breakdown, by Bryan Post.